Ep 4: Lockdown Chrysalis : transforming with Araz Ahmed

 

Host Blue Lucine (00:01):

We The City is recorded on Gadigal land. I pay my respects to the traditional custodians, the elders past, present, and emerging. Art. Activism. Identity. Diving deep with one artist a week, we meet the individuals who use their art to trigger change in the City of Sydney. Who are they and what's their story? Stick around to find out on We The City.

Hi, I'm Blue Lucine and today on We, The City I speak with Araz Ahmed, a poet, musician and community worker. Araz shares with me some of their new music and reflects on gentle masculinity, discovering their new voice and how complicated dads are. Here's Araz.

Host Blue Lucine (01:08):

So Araz, thank you so much for joining me today on We, The City.

Guest Araz Ahmed (01:12):

Thanks for having me.

Host Blue Lucine (01:15):

Um, so I wanted to just first start talk to you about when did your love of music begin? How did that get started?

Guest Araz Ahmed (01:23):

Great question. When I think back to my first albums that I ever bought for myself, um, were "Jagged Little Pill" and the "Space Jam" soundtrack, which I feel very accurately represent the side of my personality, um, and which probably represents some of my musical influences. Um,

Host Blue Lucine (01:45):

And how old would you have been when you purchased those two? ?

Guest Araz Ahmed (01:49):

I was about seven or eight years old. Me and my dad listened to, we liked a lot of the same music, um, particularly sort of, uh, Americana, like folk music and stuff like that. Um, we listened to a lot of singer songwriters. Um, so that sort of tradition, I guess, of songwriting and, um, single voices that were somewhat guitar driven, I guess, um, were often playing when I was younger. And I think that, um, probably soaked into my consciousness of it. And then I started playing guitar when I was about 10 years old or something. So it was definitely, yeah, I would say that I'm my musical passion kind of came from that young exposure to songwriters mm-hmm yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (02:39):

10 years old. That's quite young. Um, were you given a guitar? Did you borrow a guitar? Did you just steal a guitar?

Guest Araz Ahmed (02:45):

I, I just, uh, I think it was, it must have been my birthday or Christmas or something like that. And, um, when my parents asked me what I wanted, I said that I wanted a guitar and I remember there being a little bit of a discussion about how, um, I think I said electric guitar and I think they said definitely not

Guest Araz Ahmed (03:09):

Um, so we compromised by getting an acoustic guitar. Um, so we went to this music shop called Walter's music, which was, um, in the basement of the square one shopping centre in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada, where close to where I grew up. Um, and we went to the shop and we tried a bunch of guitars. And I remember again, I was with my dad. Um, and I think there was definitely some sort of, some kind of gentle vibe around like a little bit of living out your parents' dream kind of thing. Like there was that aura to it. So I started out taking a few lessons, but I was really terrible at guitar lessons. Like I just didn't like , I didn't like it. Um, I got really stressed out by it and to this day, I can't, I don't know how to read sheet music.

Guest Araz Ahmed (03:58):

Um, but I really loved like learning chord shapes and just being able to, um, you know, go on the old dialup internet, uh, with, you know, AOL search engine or whatever, um, and look up songs I knew that only had three chords or something and then just go home and, um, and try to play the songs. So, um, yeah, that's kind of how I started, I guess, by learning chord shapes, memorizing those, and then, um, playing along with some songs I liked. And then that pretty quickly became writing, um, songs with those similar, like very simple chord, um, patterns. And that's like, I would love to say that my playing has become more elaborate or more sophisticated, but it's not, that's, that's kind of, my, my jam really is, um, simple regular structures. Yep.

Host Blue Lucine (04:46):

So you mentioned your dad quite a bit in that last little story. Uh, can you tell me a little bit more about your family?

Guest Araz Ahmed (04:52):

Yeah, absolutely. It's funny you say that because I, I was reflecting on that as I was saying, and I was like, oh, interesting. This is gonna be a dad podcast. of course it is. Um, yeah, my family. Wow. So, um,

Host Blue Lucine (05:08):

So you said you grew up in Canada?

Guest Araz Ahmed (05:10):

Yeah, I grew up in Canada, um, and I was born in England and so it was my sister and both of my parents, um, were, uh, born and raised in what's now Bangladesh. Um, and then they moved to London when, when they were young and, and had us et cetera, et cetera. Um, like most people I'm sure my, you know, my relationship to my family has been a complex dynamic thing, um, over the years. And, um, it was pretty, it's been pretty hard, uh, at points. And I think, um, some of that difficult stuff is probably why I ended up in Australia, um, 8, 8, 9, 9 years ago, I think. Um, yeah. Um, and again, like a lot of people, I think sometimes having that distance and having that time, um, can make things a little bit easier. So, um, my, my dad died, uh, about, I think about three years ago.

Guest Araz Ahmed (06:12):

Um, but in the years before then, um, while I've been over here, my relationship with him, my relationship with my mum and my sister, um, definitely got it, got a lot deeper and probably had more understanding of, um, sort of human, human complexity by having that space and that, that time of apart. So, um, yeah, they're very much, um, a part of my, my sort of new EP or, or small, um, album that I'm gonna be recording soon. And right now it's loosely, it might, might not stay this title. So don't, 't quote me on it if it changes radically. But in my mind right now, it's called, um, "All of our parents in London, in the Seventies". Um, and it's yeah, a short album that, uh, really centers I think my relationships with my mum and my dad mm-hmm yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (07:09):

So what kind of drove you to move to Australia from Canada?

Guest Araz Ahmed (07:15):

Online Love Online love drove me to Australia. Um, I was, I was part of a extremely nerdy and earnest, um, online forum for, uh, like poets and musicians. Um, back God, I don't know, in the, how old was, say, like early 2000s, I guess. Um, something like that. So from the age of like 17, 18, 19, I was just, um, obsessed with, um, and in love with, uh, this person who was, she was Australian. Um, and we had this, you know, long distance on again, off again, kind of intellectual love affair, really. Um, it was highly esoteric as it was as nineties, two thousands, as it sounds, , you know, um, tons of attachment stuff, zinging around, I'm sure. Tons of unexamined, um, identity stuff zinging around. Um, yeah, for whatever reason, we just had this like huge chemistry. We were really drawn to each other.

Guest Araz Ahmed (08:23):

And, um, finally after seven, literally seven years of this past, you know, we went by we're we're with other people we're having other experiences. Um, and we decided to finally meet and then, um, you know, the story, the story of us being together was so compelling to me at that point that, um, it almost felt like I didn't really, like, I didn't really have a choice. I was like, oh, this relationship is finally happening. I need to, I need to go with this. You know, I need to go on this journey and see what, what, um, what takes place. So I came to Australia to give it a real shot mm-hmm um, and when that relationship broke down after two years, um, I had just put so much, I had put so much energy into trying to build this life here. And I was also putting that space between myself and my family at that time.

Guest Araz Ahmed (09:14):

So, um, I think the week that the relationship dissolved was the same week that I got my first, um, sort of proper management consulting contract . So it was like this real, um, you know, juxtaposition of things where, um, for the first time in my life, I could actually see a future of not being a really broke, starving artist. Um, and that was so important to my mental health, to like, even though I had all these other convos happening in my mind at that time of like, am I selling out and blah, blah, blah, super corporate job. Um, I knew that I needed to give myself the gift of making quite good money, um, for a period of time to just to get my bearings again. So I took that contract and then, um, yeah, and then the years went by and I was like, oh, I'm having a good time. I'll wait and see what happens. I'll wait and see. And here I am, nine years later,

Araz singing (10:09):

Who could have guessed the better, the best of us was traveling in you farther away from the source of truth. It was anywhere else, born, wherever, anywhere else, but forever, always out there.

Host Blue Lucine (10:28):

And what kind of impact did moving to Sydney moving countries have on your, your music?

Guest Araz Ahmed (10:35):

Yeah. Great question. Um, my whole relationship to my body changed so much when I moved to Sydney, um, in, in all the ways like growing up in Canada, um, at least with, for myself and with my family, like, I'd never really thought about the impact of, um, having to be indoors for six months of the year, you know, and what it's like to just, um, not be able to go out in a t-shirt like for again, you know, six, seven months of the year or something like that, like always having to, um, cover up. And, um, when I came here and I had this, you know, incredible experience of just almost every single day, I would wake up and I would, you know, say to the, to this, um, ex-partner um, wow, what a beautiful day it is, you know, and eventually she was like, we get it.

Guest Araz Ahmed (11:25):

It's a really nice day. like, you can stop saying that now. Um, but to me it was, it was quite a revelation, you know, of, um, like just how beautiful the natural landscape was and how you could be in, um, I worked for a while, um, for a few years at UNSW and I really felt it so strongly when I was working there that, um, you know, I could be at work and then within 30 minutes, not even after work, I could be on the most beautiful beach I've ever seen. Yeah. Um, and on my lunch break I could walk around and I could, um, you know, find little pockets of like green verdant green. Um, and it, yeah, it's really hard to, to put it into words how much that can change a person until, you know, if you haven't, if you haven't had that.

Guest Araz Ahmed (12:14):

And not that Canada isn't beautiful, cause it really is beautiful, but it's a different kind. Um, this is, you know, just me thinking out loud. Um, I haven't really thought this through before, but sometimes I wonder whether, I guess the degree to which, um, moving at here, being able to, you know, feel the sun on my skin more often being able to just walk everywhere, get more exercise outdoors, whether that did also kind of unblock something around me. Um, being able to affirm my transness, you know, and whether there's some sort of a continuum around getting more comfortable with your body, feeling your body become more powerful because you use it more and that unlocking some sort of years of repression of, of being trans. Yep.

Host Blue Lucine (13:05):

That's a really beautiful idea. Um, the more kind of connected and, and exposed that you got to nature, the more kind of connected and exposed you were to your true self. In a way.

Guest Araz Ahmed (13:18):

Yeah. Absolutely. And I'm sure that people in, in cold climates can have the same thing. Maybe I just don't have that. I just didn't have that relationship to myself in the cold, in the way that maybe someone who snowboards or something that's, you know, um, it wasn't really my authentic body space, whereas I know some people who absolutely thrive in the winter , you know, and just love it. Um, yeah, but that wasn't me.

Host Blue Lucine (13:41):

Um, did your sound change when you came to Sydney and, and tell me a little bit about, um, your music.

Guest Araz Ahmed (13:48):

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um, did my sound change?

Host Blue Lucine (13:55):

I mean, it's a very big question.

Guest Araz Ahmed (13:56):

Yeah, no, no, totally. I feel like right now I'm kind of having this like wonderful Renaissance period for myself where I actually feel like I'm starting to sound more like I used to sound, um, when I was younger, younger. So, um, my music has always been kind of in that, uh, sometimes I call it like alt country. Sometimes I call it experimental folk, um, or garage folk. I think garage folk is probably the most, um, technically accurate. Uh, and when I, so when I first started out, when I was playing in coffee houses and things in high school, um, I think I started performing when I was about 16 or 17. Um, I was always playing on acoustic because that's what I had and I was playing solo because that was just easier. Um, but I really love playing with bands. I really love playing like collaboratively.

Guest Araz Ahmed (14:50):

Um, during my work life, I often have to be like very controlling, like project managery. And this is, it's really nice for me in music where I'm not like that at all. Like to the point where sometimes people are ask me, like, can you just plan this out a little bit more? I'm like, no, no, I don't want to control everything. Like I want, I want whatever happens to happen somewhat. Um, so then in maybe my earlier mid twenties, I started to take music a bit more seriously, and I started to play, um, gigs and go around, uh, just like small mini tours, um, in Canada a bit more, um, and a little bit in New York and I loved it. It was awesome. But I also got extremely, um, burnt out and a bit jaded about the kind of social media engine that had to be ticking along around it the whole time.

Guest Araz Ahmed (15:41):

Mm-hmm I just hated that stuff. I really hated the, the marketing, the personal brand, all, all of that. I just wanted to write music, um, practice it, record it in a studio, play it at little dive bars with my friends and just like have a nice time, you know, that, that was my, that was what I wanted out of it. Um, but because, you know, we were getting little bits of attention and it was, it was great. Um, I, you know, I, I, I think I changed a little bit, um, and I probably got a bit more concerned with what was, um, you know, what was like a trendy sound, what was like the indie sound of the moment kind of thing. And now I feel like after, you know, I've, I've moved away definitely from the idea of trying to, um, I'm not trying to become famous or semi-famous, or even semi semi-famous anymore, you know, like I'm not, that's not on my radar as much. Um, but when, when you make those kinds of choices, I think sometimes it can free you up to actually make much better art. And now my music is going back to, um, I'd say some of that alt country and alt folk stuff. And, um, and that feels really good. It feels like home. And I'm, I, I think this album might be recorded solo or very sparsely accompanied, um, which will be my first time recording a almost solo project

Araz singing (17:11):

As a Leopard I run far a field each day, returning two different home. My ears prick up and my head, snaps around when I catch your scent, all else forgotten. And I'm, cosing through the long sharp grass to find you in the distance underneath the tree, maybe singing, usually just waiting for me. I love you Leopard style.

Host Blue Lucine (17:44):

You've been on a bit of a journey over the last couple years. Um, what do you wanna share about that and how that's kind of worked with your music?

Guest Araz Ahmed (17:54):

Yeah. Um, I've been on so many journeys in the past few years, like

Host Blue Lucine (18:00):

My life. Yeah. I know. Talk about understatement.

Guest Araz Ahmed (18:01):

my whole life for the past three years as we, um, yeah, so I'm truly, I've truly been transitioning in all the ways in the past couple of years. Um, I, right when COVID, um, kicked off, I decided that I was going to keep working in change management stuff, project management, kind of, um, worlds, but that I was going to also start studying a master of social work. I think part of what inspired that was also that I really fully, um, started to take up my own transgender ness. Um, I, I took it up in this deeper way. I guess I'd always known that I was, um, I dunno, gender creative, uh, but it became more and more clear to me that this was a part of my life that I needed to start living and, and living more fully. And so I, um, decided to start medically transitioning like pretty much right when COVID kicked off.

Guest Araz Ahmed (19:00):

So when we all went into isolation, I was like, perfect. this is a great time. I will be the Chrysalis and I will come out of my come out of this period and people will be like, who is that person? Um, so, so that's what I've been doing. And, um, so I had top surgery during COVID, I've been on T now for, um, it'll be two years in like three days from now. Um, and it's been, it's been incredible. Like it's hard to describe what it's like, you know, we've all been in these deeply internal spaces for the past two years. And, um, to also be transforming during that time has been so intense and sometimes, um, like sometimes very lonely and like quite weird, but also, um, also beautiful and that's definitely informed my writing quite a lot. And at the same time also turning towards, um, social work during that time and giving more voice to, um, I've always been really active in community development work and like anti-racism work, um, gender advocacy and that kind of stuff. So privileging that more in my life and being more clear about this is who I am. This is what I wanna do. Um, all of these things, you know, my, my music becoming more authentic again, um, studying what I wanna study and, and doing what I wanna do more in communities, um, looking and feeling and sounding more like myself. It's, it's all been happening at once for better or for worse. Yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (20:29):

How did it feel to listen to your own voice change with the T kind of week by week, month by month.

Guest Araz Ahmed (20:39):

It's only super recently that I've been able to believe that it is changing mm-hmm . So for the first long time, um, I was that it wasn't changing at all. And I was like, what is going on? What is, what am I doing wrong here? You know, um, part of that is because, so obviously as a singer, um, and if you're someone who's transitioning at, you know, the age of, I think I started when I was 33 or something, I'm 35 now, um, there are impacts that can happen to your singing voice. Um, if you're a trans-masculine person, uh, some of those impacts can result in your voice, not being quite as, um, like, uh, precise, as consistent as like warm, um, as you might have had it before. And some of the mitigating stuff that you can do around that is by taking testosterone very slowly.

Guest Araz Ahmed (21:31):

Um, so I started on a low dose, uh, and I took a low dose for the entire first year to give my, um, my larynx and all of my like throat muscles and stuff some time. Um, because they, if, if I had been taking T when I was a younger person, then my larynx and all that, would've actually had a chance to grow with the hormone changes. But, you know, as a 30 year old, it's not gonna get any bigger now. So, um, so there was a reason, I guess, why I did it slow and steady, but that meant that I had to deal with the psychic weirdness of other things were changing on my body, but my voice was, was not. Um, so recently my therapist in the past couple months, like I've had to actually start asking her things where I was like, can you just tell me if my voice has changed because I, I I'm, you know, and it's, it's COVID so I wasn't seeing anyone. Um, so now I can hear it and it's extremely freeing and it makes me very happy. Um, and it feels very strange when I hear my old voice, like, which is weird as a musician to, you know, to not, um, I don't know how to explain the feeling, it's it? I don't feel it as bad. My old voice, I don't think like, oh, no. Ooh. I just think, oh, that person sounds nice. I wonder who that is. Yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (22:47):

And has the shift in your voice impacted, um, in your musical identity in terms of like the topics that you write about, or the, the stories you're telling in your songs, cuz we've heard some of your original music, uh, in this podcast. Yeah. Cause, and you write your songs.

Guest Araz Ahmed (23:07):

I seem to be going through a real dad phase. And so, yeah, and I, I don't think that's a coincidence. I do think that has obviously also, you know, my dad died a few years ago, so of course, um, I would be processing that, but also, um, one beautiful and kind of surprising thing that has come out of, um, the past few months of my transition is how more and more I'm coming to peace with a lot of the complex, quite painful stuff in my history with him. Um, and I'm feeling like I'm getting more insight, um, and perspective into while I don't, you know, I'm not gonna condone all of his choices, but I'm also gonna, I, I just have more, yeah, more understanding, I guess, um, of some of the, uh, constrictive social norms that he was working within in terms of, um, masculinity and, and problematic social masculinity and stuff like that.

Guest Araz Ahmed (24:05):

So my songwriting has changed in that I'm now more actively, um, looking at not even, just, not even just dad stuff, but also the emotions that went along with dad, stuff for me for so long, you know, things like anger, things like, um, yeah, anger, resentment, even fear. Um, and I'm able to kind of look at some of those feelings from a different place because I can understand more now on this visceral level, um, that sometimes that anger and that fear and all that can really come from again, I'm not condoning, you know, dark, violent stuff, but like it can come from this place of vulnerability and sadness and um, really softness. And it's unfortunate that so many men growing up, um, just don't have access to a language for that. Yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (25:02):

Dads are hard.

Guest Araz Ahmed (25:02):

Dads are so hard, right?

Host Blue Lucine (25:03):

Dads are so hard.

Guest Araz Ahmed (25:03):

Dads are so hard. Oh my God. Dads are so hard.

Araz singing (25:07):

Call me your son. So I can be her again. Call me your boy. So, I, can be born again. Cause you're a liar, you're a liar. It's true. You, you,

Guest Araz Ahmed (25:34):

I lost, um, a friend of mine yesterday and I'm quite sad about it today and I've been trying to figure out if I, yeah. Sort of how that sat with, um, with everything really. And if I wanted to talk about it or not, but I've been reflecting I guess, a lot today on how, um, so I didn't, I didn't, um, I didn't know this man very well, but I know his wife and the two of them, um, lived very close to me, uh, in Camperdown, um, during, during COVID and stuff. So during on the lockdown, so bringing it back again to my experience, I guess, of the city, when I think about the first two years of COVID, I think a lot about these two wonderful people, um, and their two dogs in Camperdown and how, um, you know, Camperdown Memorial park specifically was such a place of social survival for so many of us and yeah, I'm really, I'm really sad that he's not gonna, um, that we all don't get to draw from his incredible gentle masculinity.

Guest Araz Ahmed (26:42):

Um, yeah. Anymore. I mean, I know that we still will continue to draw from it cuz we'll yeah, we're gonna continue to keep him close to us. But so I, I met the two of them, um, during COVID and I met the two of them right when I was just starting to take testosterone. And when I met him, uh, it was one of the first examples that I had, um, of meeting a man who didn't make me feel very complicated inner, oh no, am I going to trans, am I becoming something? I don't like, like he was the first one who not, maybe not the first, but one of the first people in the long time who really showed me that, um, just what it is to be really sweet, really gentle, um, not bombastic, not take up all the space, not, you know, all that kind of stuff. Um, and yeah, and I'm, I'm gonna be, you know, grateful forever, I guess, that I had that important sort of influence, um, right when I needed it the most, because at that time I was quite, um, you know, it's a confusing thing. Like you don't know exactly what you are, what exactly you're becoming, how are you gonna fit into society? Um, how are you going to project masculinity? How are you gonna do this thing called masculinity? You know, so to have healthy, um, role models was yeah. Was really important.

Host Blue Lucine (28:05):

Masculinity is a really interesting thing. Um, with music, I think I might ask you to tell us a little bit more about your writing cause you write as well as, um, play music. So could you tell us a little bit about where your creativity comes from?

Guest Araz Ahmed (28:28):

I think, um, so like we were like I, before we started you and I were having, um, a little mini discussion around how some of, all of these things that we're talking about today, so my music, my writing, um, and my community development slash social work, um, activity, all of that stuff to me, exists on a continuum and I would find it diff like I don't sometimes when people ask me what I am or what I do, I find it genuinely very confusing. Cause I don't know whether I don't really feel like I'm a musician anymore. Um, 10 years ago, I probably would've just said, oh, I'm a musician, you know? Yeah. Um, and more and more I'm becoming, I've always been a writer. And I think my first identification was probably as a poet when I was younger. Um, but now my writing is becoming more active in my life and a little bit less internal.

Guest Araz Ahmed (29:24):

Um, and all of that is happening and is being informed by the fact that I'm living more authentically now, um, politically and I'm, um, I do a lot of work in anti-racism spaces like anti-racism training and stuff like that. And um, psychological safety support for activists working in, um, social justice issues. That's kind of my, my thing and where I see my practice going. So my creativity right now is coming from probably, um, I think I've just had enough of a lot of the, a lot of the BS that, that exists in specifically around, um, racism, transphobia, misogyny, um, trans erasing as well. Mm-hmm like just like, um, that that's something that, uh, not just from, and it's not just like for myself, you know, it's, it's on this bigger level of, um, I feel, you know, whether it's warranted or not, I, I feel responsibility.

Guest Araz Ahmed (30:32):

Um, because I'm someone who, you know, has a certain level of education. I grew up with a certain amount of, um, financial stability and I, I feel like not all trans people have those experiences, um, and not all trans people are in a position where they want to or can speak up for themselves as, as much as I am able to. So, um, that's not to say that my art is necessarily trans art , you know, or that, but, um, I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't get the choice of separating. Um, all, you don't get the choice to separate all those things. When you're a person of colour, who's a writer or a trans person, who's a musician. Um, we don't get to just be the artist or the musician in the same way that a lot of, um, Cis Het white people get to, you know, so whether I like it or not, I'm going to be the trans, you know, songwriter or whatever who, who shows up somewhere.

Guest Araz Ahmed (31:35):

And, um, so there's something around wanting to own that. And you know, if that's gonna, if that's gonna be put on me, then I'm gonna make people, um, I'm gonna force people to make a choice of whether they are going to remain allies or, um, you know, become activists of their own outside of just the 40 minutes that they listen to me play a gig, if that's gonna stick with them. And if they're gonna move through their life, thinking about things that are important to me, such as like my, my latest, um, the latest thing that I'm kind of, um, I dunno talking about a lot, I guess, and thinking about a lot is how right now in Australia, um, there are lots of people having babies who are not women. And yet the way that we talk about pregnancy, the way we talk about antinatal care, all that kind of stuff, anything reproductive, raising kids, et cetera.

Guest Araz Ahmed (32:34):

It's always with this assumption that the person doing that childbearing is a woman. And, um, I have such a strain like such a different, um, experience of that, you know, and sometimes it feels, I feel like I'm being gas lit half the time, because when I'm listening to, so at studying social work, for example, everything I study, it's always about women having babies. And I'm like, wait a second. I don't understand. Cause I've got like, at least personally, I, I know five people who have had babies who are men or non-binary people. So this is not an opinion. This is a matter of fact, Medicare data shows that, you know, hundreds of, um, you know, hundreds of men, uh, in the past couple of years have had babies. So, um, issues like that are really important to me. And they come through, I think, into my writing and my music.

Guest Araz Ahmed (33:24):

Not because I'm explicitly ever talking about these things necessarily, but, um, because these issues influence, I guess I don't how to say it. The, I think the way that I handle some of the big themes of life parenting, et cetera, in my songs, I hope that I'm creating queer spaces with some of the language that I use. Like for example, one of my, um, songs that I think I'm gonna play today, um, it's the alternate title to this new album, which is, um, "Call me your son so I can be her again." Um, and that's a sentiment that has, yeah. Stayed true to me throughout this whole, um, time that I've been transitioning, I guess in the past couple years where, um, it has been by embracing my masculinity, embodying my masculinity more, that I'm able to actually feel comfortable with my femininity mm-hmm . Yeah. And I think that comes through into my music now, hopefully by that balance of energy that I'm trying to bring into my music.

Host Blue Lucine (34:34):

Does it ever get scary living authentically?

Guest Araz Ahmed (34:39):

Yeah. Great question. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Um, yeah, it gets very, it gets, um, I think I'm through most of the scary feeling and now I'm more in the tired feeling yeah. so, um, it gets, yeah, it was, there was, there were some really scary points along the way of, um, disorienting, scary mm-hmm , you know, feeling like, oh my God, what am I? Um, and it, like, I consider like, I'm, I'm trans-masculine, um, I don't call myself a trans man and I don't think I ever have been or will be what society calls a man. But I also, um, yeah, if there, if I, I don't really believe in the binary gender, but if I had to put myself on a tick, tick a line on a spectrum, I'd be pretty close to the man side of the line. Um, but for a while, um, and still sometimes now I get such different reads of my gender when I'm out in public.

Guest Araz Ahmed (35:49):

So 75% of the time now people just default to he and that's fine. Um, but every now and then someone, maybe they knew me before or something like that, um, will still, she, me. And then as soon as a couple people start seeing me in a room or something, um, it just kind of spreads and all of a sudden that whole room only can see she. Mm. And that's a really disorienting, and that is, I still find that quite scary. And I get panic attacks sometimes from that where it's just very weird how perception can just flip, you know? And the flipping shows me, I'm like, oh my gosh, what is identity then? And then I fall into a dark hole of like, what, what are any of us, you know? Um, because if one person can believe that I'm like, I often like to relate it to being told I'm a golden retriever where if someone calls me a woman, I'm like, it's kind of like, you're calling me a golden retriever. Like I love golden retrievers. There's nothing wrong with being called golden achiever, like who doesn't love them, but, um, but it's not accurate. And that's also wild. Now you would think I'm one, you know, like it's so weird. And so then that get it just weirds me out. I'm like, how can you, like, how can you encounter me and think I'm a golden retriever. Mm yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (37:01):

Like the rug pulled out from underneath your feet. Yeah.

Guest Araz Ahmed (37:04):

Especially when everyone else is, is like seeing that you're like, you know, clearly a poodle,

Host Blue Lucine (37:11):

You know, like it's

Guest Araz Ahmed (37:12):

Very, it's very clear.

Host Blue Lucine (37:14):

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I should say in your case a kelpie yes.

Guest Araz Ahmed (37:21):

Yeah, yeah, no, I wish I was a kelpie but unfortunately I'm not cool enough. for years, I've tried to compare myself to cool athletic, um, tenacious breeds, and I just, no, I've got silky silky ears. Um, maybe a Yorkshire terrier. Yeah, it's fine. That's who I am. I've accepted it.

Host Blue Lucine (37:42):

What kind of dog am I ?

Guest Araz Ahmed (37:46):

Border terrier?

Host Blue Lucine (37:47):

Border terrier? I think I'd have to look that up. I don't know that off the top of my head.

Guest Araz Ahmed (37:51):

I think when you, when you get into, what is the boarder terrier, you'll understand.

Host Blue Lucine (37:55):

I'm gonna go Googling later. Now I got a side project it was other hearing you talk about Camperdown. And I wanted to ask about some of the other spaces that you've performed in live in Sydney. Yeah. Pre uh, lockdown. Um, if you could mention a couple of those spaces and how you describe the atmosphere.

Guest Araz Ahmed (38:17):

One of my go-to spots is the Gasoline Pony in Marickville mm-hmm . And that place is really special to me. Um, I hosted my 30th birthday there and, um, I think that was one of the first nights when I played there as well. And since then I've been playing there, like pretty, pretty, fairly consistently, I guess. Um, there's something about that room and that community that has felt like a place where I could experiment. And, um, it's definitely the room where I've played new songs, probably the most. And it's also the room where I it's the only place really that I've felt safe, um, in the past little bit. And that's not about, that's about, that's a me thing where I felt like psychically safe, um, to play while my voice was like radically changing and other places I've played that have had an impact on me.

Guest Araz Ahmed (39:12):

Um, the Red Rattler, for sure. For sure. I think, I mean, the, when you play at the Rattler, when you do anything at the rattler, like you feel the weight of your ancestors, you know, like in this like very powerful way. And I don't mean that in a flippant way, even if, if it sounds like it is like, I really mean that whether they're your creative ancestors, whether yeah. Whether they're the ancestors of the traditional owners on yeah. Of those lands, whether, um, they're your own familiar ones, I feel like you are never alone when you play there. You know, like truly there are other voices that, um, that join you. And especially, I guess in the context of trans or queer artists, I feel like that space has held so many people. Um, yeah, those are two of the places that have meant a lot to me. Um, I've been daydreaming about setting up some sort of outdoor stage and playing an outdoor show around the Cooks River where I'm living now, um, in Canterbury. And there's a couple of places that I've kind of just come on, my walks I've looked at and thought, oh, it'd be really nice to set up a little outdoor thing here. Yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (40:29):

That sounds like a beautiful project.

Guest Araz Ahmed (40:32):

See these huge pelicans with their massive, um, when they open up their mouths and like, you just want, you just desperately wish you could pipe in like a, a baritone voice that would just come out and be like, bump, boom, bump. You know, ,

Host Blue Lucine (40:47):

Pelican's one of my favourite animals.

Guest Araz Ahmed (40:50):

They're incredible. Mm they're just amazing.

Host Blue Lucine (40:53):

Have you, have you seen the photos of them turning their beaks inside out? Like the little no, I feel like that's

Guest Araz Ahmed (41:02):

A little bit scary, but I'm into it.

Host Blue Lucine (41:04):

It's absolutely wild. Yeah. , you're just kind of like, okay, wow.

Guest Araz Ahmed (41:08):

Yeah. It's like, it's a bit obscene. Google fodder for later. When I'm alone.

Host Blue Lucine (41:15):

Yeah. You've got a Google project now, too. Moving locations out to the, to the Cooks River. Um, how did that impact your, your music?

Guest Araz Ahmed (41:25):

So I've been, um, yeah, I've been living in Canterbury near the Canterbury Earlwood border for the past year and a half. And it's funny because like, I can feel it inside myself that 100% moving there and being walking around the river, like I'm out there twice a day has influenced my writing and my music so much. And now I'm trying to think of how to describe it. And I guess there's an open, like just having more space, like having the openness, having the expansiveness, um, having so much green around me, um, has changed has probably given me permission to not fill up my music as much with, um, yeah. With like just like sounds and, uh, and textures. And instead to sort of,

Guest Araz Ahmed (42:15):

To really just to play with the space of one sound and one guitar, um, in a different way than I felt like I could when I was in the heart of, um, Camperdown, even though I loved living in Camperdown and there was so much like wonderful community stuff that was going on, and sometimes I get a bit lonely where I am, but, um, I'm still really, yeah. There's just something about the cooks river and about, um, about the birds , you know, and about, uh, how , how the sounds around the river changed so much from my morning walk to my evening walk. And I think that having that space to walk around and just be in your own thoughts, um, and then to be able to, it's like literally a four minute walk from my house, you know, then I walk back to my house and put on my little headset and go on zoom for my work calls or whatever. But knowing that that's there, um, kind of allows me to keep this yeah. Inner space, I guess

Host Blue Lucine (43:17):

Mm-hmm, it's kind of like you're enough.

Guest Araz Ahmed (43:19):

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great, yeah, absolutely. And having the river walks, um, to yeah, to explore with my dog during when Canterbury Bankstown was in, um, you know, hot zone lockdowns or whatever, um, it was such an intense time. It was really difficult. There were helicopters constantly going overhead and police cars going up and down my street, you know, over-policing this, uh, yeah. Community communities of families and stuff, knowing that the Cooks River was there to get away from all of that. Um, and to do the thing that we were allowed to do, you know, to do your one hour of exercise or whatever, um, it, it was such a necessary gift. Like we, we needed it, that community needed it. Yeah.

Host Blue Lucine (44:10):

Hmm. Um, I was just wondering if there were artists out there, musicians out there who were going through a similar, um, transition evolution to you, what kind of advice could you offer them with that?

Guest Araz Ahmed (44:37):

I've been, having conversations about, about this type of thing, um, with a few people, uh, recently and

Guest Araz Ahmed (44:45):

One beautiful strength of gender creative communities is that we seem to do such a wonderful job of like friendship, mentoring, peer support, you know, that kind of stuff. So, and it's, it's, it's really important to me as a like trans-masculine person of colour that I specifically also, um, reach out and try to yeah. Give some peer support to other young, um, trans brand guys. I think that's really been one of my main personal drivers over the past, um, year or so and something that I've talked about a lot with them in the context of specifically, um, singing and being a musician and stuff is that it's okay to grieve for the voice that you lost. End of period. It's okay. , it's okay to be sad about it. It doesn't mean that you don't, that you're not trans, it doesn't mean that you're, um, that whatever journey you're on, whether like, yeah, trans non-binary gender diverse gender non-con conforming, um, uh, we already have to cop so much, um, policing from, from lots of other people. If I could give someone a gift, it would be that they didn't feel like they had to place themselves as well. You know, so you can be sad about man. I used to be able to hit these notes. I used to be able to sing in this way, and it's also okay to be extremely excited about your

Guest Araz Ahmed (46:18):

Cracky breaking pubescent 13 year old boy voice, you know, like that's okay too. Like that's great too. Um, and they can exist together and some days you might feel the one, sometimes you feel the other also, um, I'm not assuming that everyone's obviously like they're heaps and heaps of non-binary trans, um, gender nonconforming people who, who don't medically transition. And that's, so I'm not trying to say that, you know, but for this conversation, I guess I am kind of, um, thinking more about people who do, and

Guest Araz Ahmed (46:49):

My experience has been that I was really worried I was not gonna be able to sing at all. And I think that had to, that probably influenced why I didn't transition until my thirties. Um, and I just want to tell people that good news, I can still sing um, I couldn't for the first year and I made a decision. I know I'm sure a lot of vocal coaches out there will disagree with the fact that I basically just stopped singing for that entire year. Cause I, it was too stressful to me, um, to have to encounter, like, I literally could not hold a note. It just, or I would, I would push out a note. It would squeak, it would crack, it would break. I felt like I was gonna injure my voice mm-hmm by singing. So, and also I was in lockdown also. I was living by myself for a good portion of that time. So I like barely talked. like, I had a very weird, intense

Host Blue Lucine (47:44):

Take a vow of silence almost. Yeah.

Guest Araz Ahmed (47:46):

Like seriously, like it's it was so dramatic how my life became yeah. In my, my Chrysalis period. Um, and it's only really in the past six months where, um, my voice started to stabilize and it's gotten creamier again around the edges. It's gotten warmer again a little bit. Um, I still have a very limited range compared to what my range was before, but that changes like every month now it gets a tiny bit more, um, broader. And I'm also now starting to do very gently, some vocal exercises and to start working the muscles a bit more. So I guess, yeah. I would wanna say to people, yeah, it's okay to be sad about losing certain things and that is not in conflict with who, you know, you are and what you're doing also, it does get better and what, whoever you are when you sing now, I don't like to say new voice, but you know, in your new voice, um, you are both the person you always were, but also you don't have to compare yourself to that voice because you are singing in a new way.

Guest Araz Ahmed (48:56):

And that means getting used to that. And that means finding new ways to do things. Um, yeah. I've got friends who like trans-masculine friends who were classically trained to opera singers and they, they, you know, two of the people I'm thinking of in my mind, like I know they've had a lot of grief around, I don't wanna say losing that, but losing that, you know? Um, and also though I see, as they move through transition and stuff, like just how much happier they are as people, you know? Yeah. And how that translates to your creative energy, to your libido, to your, like, to the eros in your life, you know, and, um, sure your voice might not ever be as 150% pitch perfect as it used to be. Mine certainly won't. Um, but my presence of like, yeah, libido, eros, all those kinds of like, you know, life essence things in my art now is coming across is like the, the tap is running much, much better than it was before. It's not a trickle anymore, you know? And that's because I'm singing with my, my authentic voice, I guess mm-hmm

Host Blue Lucine (50:07):

yeah. There's definitely something to be said from creating from a place of joy, you know, as opposed to a place of confusion or pressure.

Guest Araz Ahmed (50:15):

Totally. And sometimes you don't even know, like, you know, back in the day, um, in my twenties when I was singing and recording and, and playing a lot of gigs, I didn't, I had no active voice in my mind going, oh, I think I, I think I might be trans. I think I should, you know, I think I'm singing in it. Like as far as I knew, I, I knew that. I mean, that's a, yeah, I guess a separate topic for another the day we, we could analyse the heck outta that. But, um, , um, I always knew I was different, but I've also always been who I am, you know? So yes, the shape of things might have changed. The sound of things might have changed, but I wasn't not myself. I have this vision in my right now. I'm trying to like tracking this picture.

Guest Araz Ahmed (50:56):

I've got in my head of this person who like, technically, I guess who I was, who I looked like back then. Um, and I can think of them singing. And I remember how, you know, like normatively good. My voice was back then. It was great. Like, it was quite, it was quite good and, um, but when I imagined that singing with that voice now no part of me anymore goes, ah, damn, I wish I still had that voice. I wish I could still sing like that. That has shifted. But it was that feeling was there for the first year of being on.

Araz singing (51:31):

High school is over and I left you behind. Thinking I'd find brighter light on the way, looking at the sun had left me blind. Now I'll buy your ticket. Come see how I've changed, come see how I've changed. come see how I've changed.

Host Blue Lucine (52:27):

What are you looking forward to in the future?

Guest Araz Ahmed (52:30):

Oh, wow. Good one. Um,

Guest Araz Ahmed (52:35):

I'm looking forward to continuing to build community around myself. Um, I'm really looking forward to recording this new mini album or EP or whatever it is. Um, getting my friends back together to see who's in town and who wants to play on that little album looking forward to this summer. I had my, um, chest surgery, my top surgery almost two years ago. And I'm gonna go in and do a couple of revisions. Um, so do like a second round surgery next month. And I'm really looking forward to like, feeling very cute this summer, um, and going to the beach and that's gonna be awesome.

Host Blue Lucine (53:19):

Wonderful. Is there anything you'd like to add?

Guest Araz Ahmed (53:25):

This has been really nice. I wasn't sure what to expect, but, um, I feel like I feel very grateful that, um, I didn't feel like I needed to be something or do something. And it's meant a lot to me to have more moments like this, where I get to just, um, yeah, just offer up a moment to people. So thank you for that.

Host Blue Lucine (53:51):

Well, thank you so much for joining me today on We The City. It has been such a pleasure sharing this space with you.

Guest Araz Ahmed (53:57):

Thanks Blue.

Araz singing (53:59):

I remember the dream body, both me and my eternal landscape. Every phone, every cone in each embrace in each sad stone builds upon itself over so many nights work. So many nights work.

Host Blue Lucine (54:27):

If you wanna hear more of Araz's music, head to https://soundcloud.com/araz-ahmed-539721773

SoundCloud. We, The City is a Jerboa production hosted by me, Blue Lucine. The City of Sydney is our principal partner and we thank the creative grants program. This episode was produced by Blue Lucine, and Tegan Nicholls with original music by Matt Cornell. We, The City is recorded on Gadigal land. Sovereignty was never ceded.